Discovering Myself

Lesson learned not easily...

2010-04-06T05:12:00.001-07:00

Finally at 2 p.m. we decided to get back home. We three started our walk back. I was very curious to look around and fell behind my sister and Sakku. Sakku was leading the way with my sister following and me following my sister. Finally we came to railway track and Sakku crossed it first then my sister got on the track. Now something terrible happened. It was time for the Brindavan Express to approach and it blared its horn. My sister suddenly froze on the track. Me and Sakku kept calling her name but she stood there staring in the direction of the train which was visible now. The trembling tracks and the blaring horn was scary as my sister was not able to move… suddenly I decided to intervene and pull her and held her hand .. unfortunately at the same time Sakku decided to do the same. We kept tugging my sister in the opposite direction for what looked like hours as the train fast approached us… I shouted at Sakku to let go, at the same time she shouted at me to let go.. Finally I do not know after how long that I decided to let go and my sister was pulled to the other side by Sakku. The force made all three of us fall on the opposite sides of the railway tracks and I felt the train engine brush past my dress or it could be fear induced imagination. We just stayed on our side of the tracks staring at it without making any effort to move or talk. Finally my sister shouted “were you two trying to kill me?”.
“ You were trying to kill yourself and we were trying to save you” I said angry that I was not appreciated for either trying to intervene and pull her nor for letting go when it was getting dangerous holding on. Sakku, the poor thing was in such a shock that she did not say anything but started crying so our attention was diverted to her. She was very sorry that she was very nearly responsible for getting her friend killed and she thought it was her fault inviting us to the fields.
I knew for sure that I would not take blame on myself like she did even if the fault was visible and Sakku shocked me with her way of thoughts. Anyway we consoled her. In the panic the poor Jirjeembe had found its freedom and was nowhere to be seen. The match box lay empty there and I was very happy. NO! I did not let it free and I am sticking to what I said that day.
Finally it was decided that we should never let our parents know about the incident. A promise was made and kept forever until my sister who could never keep secrets told my mom about it few days later sending her into a panic frenzy. It was good she just told that she got scared on the railway tracks and could not cross over for sometime without mentioning the incident of me and Sakku pulling her from either side. My mom’s screams and wailing must have shut her up.
The incident would play up in my dreams where it would end in tragedy and that started disturbing me a lot. Whenever I heard the train pass by (we lived near to the railway tracks) I could feel it brush against my skirt etc. So I made effort to take the incident out of my mind and also promised never to give in to thoughtless panic ever in my life. With lot of effort finally I overcame the fear and the dreams stopped some time later. But since then I have not panicked much over any situation. The first thing I tell myself as my pulse picks up .. ‘stay calm’ and repeat it often. I learnt a big lesson that day that our life depended on the way we react to a situation and if not for proper thinking I could have lost my sister or may all three of us would be dead. The price of panic was just too big to ignore it.

(Note from a grown up Farida: Even to this day .. when my sister is no more, I have never overcome the fear the incident induced in me and I have never allowed panic to take over my senses ever after that. I have remained calm; when I saw a snake inside the house, got my hand stuck in car door, saw my younger sister catch fire, when my daughter slipped and fell down etc. No panic for me. I miss the panic feeling though. At times it is nice to squeal, ohhh ahhh and get scared and do weird things. I do that with lot of effort when it will be time for my husband to come back from gulf.. though my kids know I am acting it out they enjoy to see their Maa in a panic mode. )

Adventure times again.........

2010-04-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

Various stages of Paddy fields

As the sports made me come out of my silence my sister got to be friends with me again. She could not put up with a ‘gloom and doom is all mine’ look .. And as soon as it let go of me she was back as usual sharing my pranks and adventures.

One day we decided to visit the paddy and ragi fields in the village. One of her friend’s families owned a huge field where ragi and rice was grown. One Sunday we had our breakfast in a hurry and went over to the fields. My sister’s friend Sakku (short for Shakuntala) met us near the railway tracks. The fields looked like green ocean and we could never make out where the boundaries were drawn. But the farmers knew exactly where their fields began and warned us of trampling their crops as we walked by. I made a complaint we were not elephants and we all were chased by the old farmer.. we ran bursting out in loud guffaws and ran until we reached the field we were supposed to reach.. WHEW!!!!!

Some members from her family were already busy with work. There were no trees at all and I wondered where they took rest when they grew tired of work and sun. Sakku’s mother told me that they never grow tired of work and sun because they were made of hard mud or something like that which I had difficulty understanding because they looked exactly like us: made of flesh… Whatever, I decided that I did not want to spend the whole day where there was no shade at all.

First we had taste of fresh raw rice and ragi.. and amazingly they tasted good and so different from the food we eat. Then my sister and Sakku caught an insect she called Jeerjimbe which was green and very shiny. It measured around 2 cms and looked like this.

It lived on Avarekayi shrubs which bordered her fields. That was her gift of remembrance for my sister for the first visit to her fields. She had a match box with her in which put it carefully with one avarekayi leaf. My sister who hated bugs was for some reason was overjoyed at this gift but I whined in protest because I did not like confining the poor bug in a box. I always respected freedom and that meant freedom of bugs too. I only got back few glares and shhsshhh quite .. you are too small to talk big things kind of dialogues which I got too often. Sigh! I wandered around a lot in the fields all alone and once I shouted for help thinking I saw a snake which was just a climber created to deceive the poor me.

Finally it was time for lunch and everyone sat around in a circle in a clearing and the lunch was spread. To my horror it all looked like really hard mud rolled into balls no wonder the Mom had informed that they were not made of flesh like us..

The curry of avarekayi was smelling good but I had never seen a ragi mudde ever in my life and I did not want to eat it. My sister whispered or precisely hissed in my ears

“Wipe of that ‘I just saw a ghost’ look from your face. It is not going to eat you”.

“ I am not going to eat him either”

“It is not male”

Sakku’s mother who heard us whispering asked what happened and my sister sheepishly answered that ‘I’ did not know how to eat a ragi ball. I declared even she did not know how to eat it and got pinched by her.

“ I can’t imagine anyone not knowing how to eat a ragi ball. It is one of the most nutrient good food children can eat. All you have to do is break a piece of it and dip it in the curry and swallow the piece. Take care not to chew it. It will not be good if you chew it. This food is swallowed as whole”

Saying so she started to eat the lunch with her family. My sister was waiting for me to start and I was waiting for her to start. Finally my sister shivering a bit broke a piece of ragi ball and put it casually into her mouth. I followed her and did the same but even though I willed myself strongly not to chew it my mouth disobeyed my orders and chewed on the piece of ragi ball. Slowly it stuck around everywhere in my mouth and I had to role my tongue to clean it up and swallow it. To my horrific surprise I seemed to like the taste. My sister on the other hand did not seem to like it but tried to eat it with a smile to please her friend’s family. By the time I reached eating half the ragi ball I had been skilled in dipping it in curry and swallowing it without chewing and I relished the lunch. My struggling sister seemed to envy the way I could adapt to lunch of her friend’s family. I enjoyed my mastery of eating ragi ball as much as I enjoyed eating out in the fields under the small shade provided by some unknown tree.

After the lunch everyone spread there on the grass and had some rest and then got back to work. I could not rest and so ran about everywhere and was bitten by some stupid ants and hurt my knee by falling down on some cleverly hidden stone.

To be continued……

The Avarekayi

A sportsperson hidden behind the clubfoot...

2010-03-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

“There is our new sports girl of the year” he welcomed me with a broad smile.
“I have something very serious to discuss with you. You have to trust me and believe in what I say. If you promise me not to feel hurt or brood over what I have said but only concentrate on what has to be done then I will go ahead and tell you something now”
I had expected something different and this was a bit confusing discussion. Now if a person knows he is going to say something that will hurt me and he doesn’t want me hurt why should he say it at all? As I had developed some amount of respect for this man I decided to go ahead and listen to him
“Yes sir”
“You have a prominent limp and wrong gait when you walk. I think we can work on it and set your gait right but you have to work hard for it. You must be 9 now and the habit of limp is not permanent. As years go by you will get used to it and change will be difficult. Shall we work on it everyday hereafter?”
“What is gait?”
“It is the way you walk”.
“Sir, I have a club foot and it will make me limp no matter how hard I try. I have been trying to walk my best since last 3 years but this is the best I can do”.
“If you trust me then listen to me and let us work on it. I promise to make you walk better if you give me a chance. Please”.
I had no other option but to do as he says because usually he was a stern person who never said please, thank you etc. and when he said please I decided to do my best at whatever he says.
So the lunch break and another extra period were spent with him making me walk around, correcting me. When I tried to walk the way he told me to I hurt and tried to give up. But he would not allow that. Finally I had some more walking to do at home with one book balanced on my head.
To my horror when I came back home I found that I could not take even two steps without dropping the book down. After an hour or so I could take 4 steps with the book balanced on my head. To do this I had to walk very slowly. Thus began my coaching at walking without a limp.
Also I was lured into participating in more sports. I found out to my amazement I could actually beat other kids in hop and catch, throw ball, dodge ball and kho-kho.
Slowly I realized the bull chasing episode where I had overtaken my sister was not a fluke and I could actually beat many kids in running. It came as a big surprise to everyone around me and I was utterly shocked. I was beaming with happiness and pride off course.
Back at home this did not go down well with my family. They thought I am going to hurt myself and may be end up being a real cripple by playing sports. I don’t blame them either because my club foot did not give me good balance and I came home with wounded knees or elbows on most of the days. [The scars make me proud even today]
My aunt and mom once visited the school HM and gave complaint on our PT Sir as though he was forcing me to play games where as I could not.
He was called into the office and questioned by the HM and later on I was asked to confirm the complaint. They kept talking in our mother tongue to me to tell the HM that I did not want to play games anymore. I refused. I was horrified to think they were blaming our PT Sir when actually they had to be grateful to him for making me feel normal like any other kid. He did not say anything much or defend himself. I was afraid that this was the end of my special coaching and I was very sad. But he totally ignored the episode and went on as though nothing had happened and never even thought of mentioning it ever again.

Two years after PT sir had given me guidance I could walk long distances with the book balanced on my head and also could climb stairs with it. That meant I had developed a balance and I had no prominent limp. He was a second person who had helped me walk better and today when I walk without a limp I usually send a silent prayer to Mr. Right and my PT Sir.

[It sometimes amazes me how we remember the people who touch our lives positively and make a difference to us. The people I talk about may be living somewhere and not even know that the little girl has grown up now and even to this day feels grateful to them. They may not even remember the events I talk about as that would be just the way they deal with people and nothing special. But to a girl who was not used to that kind of love and attention it made a huge difference]

The lost in gloom and doom era ...

2010-03-11T21:12:00.001-08:00

In the days when I had decided that I am not going to talk much but going to stay in quietness, lost in gloom and doom, I started playing games a lot. I was so angry that I had to cycle fast or run some distance to be quite with out talking out. My grandmother was happy that finally I had learned my lesson. She kept telling everyone “ see all she needed was a good thrashing to learn to behave”. No one listened to her and no one was happy about this, not even my dad. If looks had any heat she would have been burnt then and there with the look I used to give her but I never answered her back or anyone for that matter. My aunt and mommy were worried for me and they told me it was OK if I threw another tantrum and shouted at the top of my voice rather than be quite and angry. I did not listen to them and also stopped playing much with my sister, so my sister started spending more time with her friends. No one ever allowed anyone to hurt Julie and she was finally secure in our home. Especially my aunt became very protective of her since it was kicking Julie (though it was never proven I will always know it) that was the base of all the chaos.

I went on getting better and better in my studies because to be silent I had to either read or play. When I was done with cycling and running I started studying everything and then revising them and almost had the books memorized. I never knew until then that I used to spend so much time arguing and chatting. I cannot say how many months this silent protest lasted but slowly I started speaking normally again but still I carried the angry look most of the time….

As in school, we were having good time with our new sports instructor. He was very strict but at the same time good trainer. Many kids who never participated in physical activities were pulled into the games by him. He never allowed any excuse until he was sure that it was genuine one.

I used to give excuse of my club foot and not play much in school and never participated in the mass drill they organized every Saturday. I never wanted to be in competitions where others could mock my club foot or beat me badly in games. I played alone.

The new trainer told me I had to do as much as possible and take rest if I truly had pain in my leg. We had a little argument but he won because he knew I used to walk quite long distance to school sometimes instead of waiting for the bus and also when I wanted to, I played quite well. For once there was a person who could not see my disability. To him I was like any other kid. He made me sweat it out and run like everyone. Initially I thought he was my enemy.. not in the category of my grandmother or God but just a tiny bit of enemy but later on I realized that I loved the way he treated me. No special kid treatment. Tough on me, forcing me to show my best, challenging me to reach a target and I knew this is the way I wanted people to treat me.

One day he told me to come and meet him in the lunch time after I finish my lunch. I knew he had some plan for me and by now I had started to trust him a lot. The title of tiny enemy did not stay on him for long ; soon he was considered the best person I had met since meeting Mr. Right.

To be continued

Learning right from wrong the wrong way.........

2010-02-14T07:28:00.001-08:00

One day a verbal duel took place between my grandmother and me. It so happened that I was coming back from school and my sister was just behind me. Instead of running into us, Julie flew at us at the level of 2 feet above the ground and landed a little in front of me. I was shocked as to what must have happened and then saw my grandmother coming after her… and concluded she had kicked the poor kitty. “How dare you kick a poor little cat like that Naani?” “I did not kick it.. why should I get into the bad book of God for some silly little stray cat by kicking it? She came in my way and I stumbled on her” “Stumbling on cats does not make them fly, kicking will” “I said I did not kick her.. that is it” For some reason my sister was not saying anything and that irritated me a lot. She usually avoided arguing with grandmother and our dad. I could not help it. My aunt rushed out to see what was happening and asked me why I was crying. All the while Julie was sitting aside licking herself calmly. Somehow between sobs I blurted out “This cruel old woman kicked my cat and it came flying out” “Is that the way to talk about your grandmother?” “May be not but let us talk about that later. Why should someone kick poor Julie?” My aunt was confused and irritated for some reason.. but she managed to ask my grandmother ‘why did she kick the poor kitty’. “That devil of the cat is always running between my legs and trying to kill me, I actually stumbled on it. I swear on Allah!” “That is it. She swears and we cannot say anything more”. “Swearing will not take away Julie’s pain”. “Fari!… will you please SHUT UP now? When someone swears on Allah it means what they are saying is true. If not Allah will punish them. We are not to dispute this because Allah knows all”. I was in utter confusion here because I had seen Julie fly .. and there had to be a kick behind it as she had no wings.. but here aunty was arguing that swearing on Allah meant that there was no kick. My eyes were lying. My aunt loved me and usually stood by me in most of the situations. So this was very irritating and also was irritating was the fact of my sister’s silence. May be she was tensed about the math’s test the next day or may be she had not seen Julie. I did not argue more but decided that I had something to prove. My mind started chugging away like train engine.. chuk chuk chuk chuk.. and then flashed an idea. I slowly slipped into a room where few things were kept on the mirror. I broke a nail polish bottle, wiped the mess with my grandma’s blouse, sprinkled face powder in all four corners of the room, made mess on the wall with my pencil and sat to do my homework . I felt Julie had been avenged and she slipped quietly near my feet and went to sleep proving me right. I almost forgot about my avenging event working math when shrieks and squeals made me realize the war had begun.. there they were blowing horns and inviting my army (only little me on one side all of them on the other) to fight. Someone shouted “Fari! Why did you do this mess here?” “I did not do anything” “You are a liar” “May be yes, but so are many of you” “We want to know why you did this.” “I did not do it and I swear on Allah that I did not do it”. There was utter silence and shock on everyone’s face. It was like the world had stopped and stood still. Then all the muttering of Taubah Taubah started and they started to plead with God to forgive this devil child because she did not know what she was doing. “What?” I said finally because it looked me this thing is never going to end. “You stupid girl! How dare you swear on Allah just like that and that too on a lie? Don’t you know how fierce is the fire in hell?” “Now you are not trusting Allah because you are not believing when I am swearing on him. That will make you accompany me to hell” “How can we trust you when we can see what you have done here? Nobody came here and no one is insane to do this”. “So when you see something and you are sure, you can question the swearing on Allah but I cannot?” It was at this time in argument that my dad walked in. My grandmother gave a dramatic explanation of everything and finally it was the matter of me swearing falsely in the name of Allah which was presented in fluorescent words. “This girl needs to learn right from wrong and there is no more room for explanation. She needs to be punished”. Said my dad… So when my mother fretted (she never wanted any of the child physically punished) all watched when a nylon wire was brought, twisted and used as a whip to lash my legs. Yeah! Only legs. Meanwhile I was asked to say sorry to God and promise to never insult him in such way. I did not. I was hurting very badly and my skin had given way one or two places making it bleed a bit. But no! I had decided not to give in and it was Dad who gave up after 6-7 lashes. My grandmother smirked and unfortunately I saw that. I could not forgive her easily for that. My aunt wept and tried to pacify me but she could not even make any eye contact with me. I was not going to look at anyone of them. I was wild, angry and felt I have been wronged. For many days to come I was quite most of the time and just gave angry stares at my family when they tried to talk to me. I did not ask for food and my mother had to remember to feed me something. I stopped allowing her to comb my hair, help me have bath etc. I created my own island in the house and started living on that island and meanwhile unknown to anyone, unheard by anyone.. secretly I had decided that God was my enemy like my grandmother.

Life with Julie

2010-02-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

Julie survived and became active soon enough. My mother was wrong that she would not survive with out her mother. She turned up to be a wonderful pet at first for both of us and finally got to be all mine. No! I did not do anything drastic. It just happened naturally with natures call. After feeding her and after her body had observed all the nutrition it had to throw out rest of the waste.. which did not come out with good odor. My sister is very sensitive to stink and could not stand it even for the love of the cat. My mom was very strict that we had to clean up whatever mess Julie leaves behind. So the big question stood in front of us as to ‘who will clean up after the kitty?’ My sister puked when she tried but I could do it. So finally I told my sister she had failed in taking care of kitty because cleaning after the kitty poo is a part of care-taking. My sister was in a dilemma and knew she was losing her leadership position but she was helpless. We split our rights ( it was much easier than the Ambani split lol) on Julie into 80-20. I got to own 80% of Julie for cleaning the crap.

[A Note from grown up Farida here – It was very interesting habit of my sister of dividing and sharing everything. She was always so taken up by making it equal for everyone. Our bed which we shared had a line drawn in the centre and I was not supposed to cross it. If we were given two apples she would usually cut both of it into halves and we would share instead of having an apple each. That way she felt we could taste and see if both were equally crisp and good. It is hard to believe she was right. Many times the apples or anything thus divided had different taste. Finally when we both had breast cancer ..she in the left breast and me in the right I joked that it was continuation of what we always did … but that did not make her laugh.]

Initially I was worried that my studies would be affected negatively because of Julie but it actually affected me positively in every way.. other than my tiffs with grandma over the cat. Julie would curl up near my legs and give me company when I studied. I felt her company but no interruption at all. I could concentrate more clearly because she never allowed me to feel bored and made me relax.

My grandmother found Julie to be my weak spot and started taking advantage of this new found weakness in me. She always believed that we were at war and she had to win this at any cost. She tried to prove that she was to be obeyed no matter whether she was right or wrong.

At first she tried to tell Daddy that she is allergic to kitty hair but then my sister started wailing so loud the topic of chasing away Julie was dropped like a grenade whose pin has been pulled out. My sister even scared me to some extent … Phew!

But after our division over Julie, she was with me most of the time…and my grandma started picking on her.

It was Julie who broke everything broken around the house, it was Julie who ate every missing food in the house, it was Julie who dirtied everything in the house that was dirty… everyday Julie at least committed 8 grave sins and it was concluded by my grandma that she will accompany me to hell. I may have turned into a school dropout fearing Julie’s safety but my Mom fell in love with the kitty and so I could leave her in the cruel world of cruel grammas and go to school. My Mom fed her milk and other soft food initially and later on fed her fresh fish etc. When I was not around Julie would sit under my Moms stool in kitchen and be safe.

My dad never could like Julie and I think it was because of the negative reports he got as soon as he came home from work – worn out and tired.

The dear cat would curl up on our bed and she started staying there the whole night sleeping well cozily where as me and my sister lost sleep fearing we would hurt her. Gradually we got used to it and for once in my life I was not kicking everything and everyone around me in my sleep. Julie taught me to sleep still… [and I still sleep that way though Julie is no more with me].

Mr Right

2010-02-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

Re-posting this old blog here ... Days have been hectic and I have been busy with my other regular blog. http://chaptersfrommylife.blogspot.com/ I would be glad to keep in touch with you there.

One day as I was piling up the dirt I saw this young cute person watching me with a smile. That was surprising. He wasn’t angry at what I was doing. He just shook his head meaning don’t do it. And I had to agree with someone so beautiful. I couldn’t go against a person who was smiling when I was doing something wrong and not saying shhhhhhhhh shhhhh. He had to be very good person. So I asked my aunt “who is he? What is his name?” she looked at me curiously and asked “why do you want to know that now?” “He is so cute and I want to marry him”. Suddenly I could see that her face just lit up. I could see her discussing something very seriously with my mother and I was sure it was about what I had told her just now and they both kept giggling at me. For once they had no problem handling me. So the next day they announced to me that his name was Raja, and he would marry me if I would behave well and keep quite. He wasn’t willing to talk to me because he was very upset that I had been always naughty and talkative. But he agreed to allow them to sit in a place where I could watch him. I was afraid that he may have told them what I was doing but they did not speak about it and so I admired him more for not giving away my secret. From then on it was Raja from morning till night.
“If you don’t drink milk you will not become fair and then Raja may refuse to marry you”
“If you cry you may lose your eyesight and Raja will not like you”
“If you shout loudly your voice will go hoarse and Raja will not like talking to you” and they had me do everything they wanted. I would sit there in front of him and look at him quietly waiting for him to find me so good and nice and try to talk to me. He would occasionally throw a glance at me and smile and sometimes ask ‘what?’ by raising his eyebrows. I can’t remember how long this went on. But then I just got bored beyond my limit. I just couldn’t keep quite anymore. I had just started to be my old self when I was stopped all of sudden by a chubby fair girl from China. So now my mother would say “if you don’t listen to me then Raja will marry her because she is very good and so quite” so I had to give in for a few more days. I hated that girl. Actually she was so fat and tired that she could not do anything much. As though I was already not having enough on my plate she had to come along to add to my woes. Whenever I found her looking my way I would make faces and stare angrily at her. She was surprised in the beginning but then started acting scared of me and I loved that. Again I could not stay quite for a long time. Not even to marry someone as nice as Raja. Yes for once I decided to settle the matter for once and all. One day I saw him walking towards the hostel and my mother and aunt were engrossed in conversation with some new found friends. I told them I am going to daddy and ran away. I just ran up to him and called Raja. He did not turn back. I thought I was still not good enough for him to talk to me. Yet I could not do everything they told me anymore so I just went up to him and touched his hand. He looked down and smiled at me. I felt very happy that he was not angry with me. The one thing I liked about him and still remember is he sat down on his knees so that he could talk to me and that too with his spotless white pants. He asked me kindly “are you lost? Where is your mother?” I replied speedily in one breath. “I don’t know what they have been saying to you about me but I have been good girl ever since you told them and I am finding it very boring. I want to know when you are marrying me and coming home with me because I can’t do everything they are asking me to do anymore”. He was shocked and amused. But he knew there was something behind this. So he questioned me a little more and I answered him but as we talked I realized that they had been lying to me. They had cheated me. They did not know his name too. He told me his name and I could not even pronounce it. But he was a very good person. He told me I was nice when I was naughty and he liked me when I looked mischievous. So we sort of became friends in a very short time. But I wanted to know whether we can marry?
“Why do you want marry me?”
“Because I want to be with you”
“Why?”
“You are cute and you like it when I am mischievous. With you I can be naughty and still not be scolded for it”
“But after marriage people have to cook food, wash clothes, etc. but look at your hands, they are so small. Look at my hands they are so big. We should be of same size to marry. So you should play well, eat well and study well and do me a favor. Try to walk with as much less limp as possible”
He went on to hold my foot and showed me the best way I could maintain balance.
“Then when you grow up I will marry you. But you don’t have to be very quite and sober. You can be playful and naughty. And don’t tell your mother or aunt about our friendship. Let that be a secret”.
“My mom lied to me and so did my aunt. Are you lying to me? Should I believe you?”
“You have to remember that to make me happy you do not have to be very good. But you shouldn’t limp more than it is required of you. You should walk with good balance. I will be going away after some days because I belong to a different place, but you remember me and when you grow up and your hands are big, legs are big you will know I was not lying. Ok. Go now they are looking for you”. He patted my head and went away. I walked towards my mother and aunt with a big smile knowing they had lost control over me. I waited for her to say ‘Raja will not marry you’. But somehow that little talk had made me feel happy from inside. I slowly became less naughty and less mischievous. I would sit there and exchange smiles with my friend for some time. One day he told me his exams were over and he was going away and gave me few chocolates. That was the last I ever saw him. But I am still walking with less limp now. I just lift up my left leg a little to maintain balance. I don’t jump and land down anymore. I developed a special love for chocolates and if I am not buying books with the money I earn, then it is chocolates.

We get our first pet ... What a wonderful Cat she was

2010-01-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

I loved the thought of my mommy waiting sitting on the small stool in the kitchen wondering “Where have they been…???????”

So off we go to a roadside water pump and clean the kitty … most of the work is done by my sister where as I help by pouring water and making comments. She is soaked and dirty in the process. My mind is working on the two words ‘Always’ and ‘Never’. I want to include them in the coming communication as much as possible and see the effect.

So we enter the house and I give back empty bag and money to Mommy and she is sitting there with the questioning look on the stool in the kitchen. How silly it is that she thought I was lying and we both are coming back with the puffed rice.

“Where is the puffed rice?”

“In the shop which is closed. You ALWAYS doubt me when I say something. You NEVER agree that I do not lie”.

My mommy looked at me to say something but then was shocked to see my sister soaked wet and all dirty with something in her hand.

“Where have you both been to? What is it you are carrying in your hand?”

Now it was my sisters turn to take over and she did it smoothly,“We had been to shop mommy. It was closed. While we were hurrying back home we found a poor kitty who came running to us. We could not help but help it.. look how cute she is”

“ God! you two have been playing around with kitties when I am waiting here to get the breakfast ready. Your daddy will have to leave for factory in about 20 minutes and what am I going to serve him now?”

“It is your fault Mommy. If you had trusted me earlier you would have had lots of time to cook the breakfast for daddy and all of us. You ALWAYS mistrust me. You NEVER believe what I have to say”.

“What is wrong with you Fari? When did I not believe and when did I mistrust you? Stop saying always and never… may be once in while I may feel you are playing a prank on me … Ya Allah! It is so late now to cook anything else”.

My mother was very upset with the confusion of cooking breakfast along with a very dirty daughter with a sparkling clean kitty shivering and meowing pitifully in her arms.

“Both of you take that kitten out and keep it out until I finish my cooking. Don’t disturb me now”.

“But mommy we NEVER have any pets. Why do you ALWAYS refuse to give us any pets. We want to keep the kitty with us please please please…..”

“Shut up. It is too small to survive without its mother. Go there and look for its mother and put it back with her. You don’t want to kill it? Do you?”

My sister was aghast to hear this. “Mommy! This is quite a big kitty and I will take care of it. I am much better than its mother in taking care of it. If I had not seen it, may be some dogs would have gotten to it and torn it into pieces. I want to keep this kitty and I am not going to put it back from where I brought it”.

By then my dad asked mom if his breakfast was ready because he was getting late for office.

My Mom told us to keep the kitty and rushed to fix something quickly for dad who was getting impatient. He usually spent a lot of time getting ready for the office and then hurried up with remaining tasks. I at times wondered why he spent so much of time grooming himself every morning where as it took my Mommy lesser time to get ready to go anywhere.

My dad walked in asking “Is the breakfast ready yet? I have to leave in few minutes”.

“I am having trouble fixing something for you today. These girls took so much time to come back from the shop and they did not bring anything. In a minute a will roll some rotis for you”.

My Mommy is a excellent cook and she had rotis and egg omelets ready for Dad who was mumbling and grumbling at the same time. He did not like cats much and if he saw the kitty when he was in a shitty mood then there was no chance of us having it.. but if they threw the kitty out I was sure they had to throw my sister out too. Once she decides to help an animal then there is no stopping her. Her sympathies are very strong and it can take away her mind and her working of her sense organs. She cannot think straight, cannot hear the reason, cannot see the facts and loses her fear. Anyway we both hid out of Daddy’s sight until he went to office. Then I had an idea flashing in my mind. I had watched people bottle feeding babies and when my little brother was born I wanted to feed him too. But mommy never allowed me to feed him because she was afraid I may choke him or something. I don’t blame her because there were times when I would get lost in thoughts of God knows what and would forget what I am actually doing. So here I saw the chance of bottle feeding this kitty. My sister beamed with happiness when I told her that we should bottle feed the kitty and we both broke our piggy banks. To the horror we found that someone had been tampering with them. We had way less money than we actually put in it. But this was no time for playing police so off we rushed to the shop to buy a feeding bottle. We had a little argument over the color.. my sister wanted red and I wanted yellow one but finally she won the argument by putting some extra cash. We rushed back home and my sister slowly went up to my mother who was now busy getting the lunch ready. It was amazing how my mother was engrossed with cooking most of the time.. and when she was not cooking something she was feeding someone. My sister asked in a very pleasant tone

“Mommy can I have a glass of milk?”

“Off course Beti ( daughter) .. so finally my lovely daughter realized milk is good for her hmmm”

“Mommy I want to feed the kitty”

“Oh God! Is it still alive. It must be lucky to survive you two demon girls. Have you been picking it up and bothering it much?”

“No Mommy we have made it sleep in the basket on a old sweater”

“Whose old sweater?”

“Grandma’s old sweater. Fari said that is the best one for our kitty”.

“Off course she would say that… I can almost hear her saying that and I can also hear your grandma shrieking and making a fuss out of this .. OH! What else for today?”

“Don’t worry Mommy. I will tell Naani that I took her sweater and please let me keep it. She won’t say anything”

My sister was right. She was my grandmother’s pet and she would forgive her few murders, where as she would not forgive me one dirty look in her direction.

So she came back with the milk and we both took turns in feeding the kitty. We had to decide on a name and we decided to call her either Rosy (because of her pink nose) or Julie for some unknown reason. Finally we ended up calling her Julie because my sisters teacher was Rosy and we did not want the cat to share the teachers name.

The word Always .. and its effect on me...

2010-01-23T04:09:00.001-08:00

“ Do you always feel confused ?”

“ Ah! Here comes the word I hate the most. How can something related to people be described as always? That is the worst mistake you grown ups do. I hate to listen to that word. Sometimes it is so silly. There is nothing like always when we are talking about people. It is a word which describes the sunrise and sunset the best.. Sun always rises in the east and sets in the west.

Let me tell you what happens when people assume something always happens in a particular way. This incident was not a big deal but it made me go through a lot of emotions..

One day my mother wanted some puffed rice and she sent me to the shop to get it. There is a shop in quite some distance from my home where such stuff is sold. I went there to find the shop closed. I came back home and told my Mom so.

“How is that? He is always open on Tuesdays. He is closed only on Fridays. He has to be there. May be you did not go all the distance because you felt lazy. He is always there and you better go and get the puffed rice. I am getting late in serving the breakfast”

Now I start to wonder what I am to do. This is so frustrating and I am not very happy. My mind starts on its evil journey where I decide to get back at my Mommy. I decide to use the word always as much as possible in everything to irritate her.

I am standing there wondering when my Mommy says

“Now when are you going to get the puffed rice?”

“I am not going alone. Send someone with me so that you will know I am not lying. You are ALWAYS sending only me on errands.”

So I am sent back to get the puffed rice from the shop that is closed with my sister accompanying me. She loves to catch me red handed doing mischief. I can see the grin and now I am more dedicated to keep her included in the revenge which I would have on my Mommy. Can’t I love them? I think I do and quite a lot. But this feeling of anger and revenge comes over me when something irritates me. When I am pushed by them. I am very sure that I do not want them hurting or in pain ever. As I am walking I start wondering what if the shop keeper has come back? What if he had temporarily closed it? Would I be labeled a liar? But then I relax thinking there is always a way out. I can ask the shopkeeper where he had been a little while ago when I had come down.. Whew!!! What a relief it was.

The shop was closed. So I laugh and say “See, coming all the way down here was a waste of time and energy for both of us.. Mommy is so silly and she does not trust us ( I wanted to include her with me). We are walking back very slow when I saw a kitten shivering in mud water. I love kittens a lot and wanted to have one at home. It was so cute that I was willing to fight hard to keep it with me but then I realized that I need not do it at all LOL. I have someone else who would do all the dirty work for me.

“Babe!!! (my sister’s pet name). Look what a nice little kitty there. I am sure if washed it is going to be all white and shiny. You said you wanted a pet few days ago… ( she wanted a parrot or dog for a pet) how about taking this and cleaning it. Shall we take it with us?”

“Wow! It is so pretty. And poor thing it is suffering so bad. I hate its mother who has left it to die here. Come let us pick it up”

“Wait I saw it and I am going to take it home”

“I am bigger than you and it will be safe with me.. please let me carry it home. Here hold this bag and money. Let us pick it up and take it home and clean it”

“We need to clean it before we show it to others. Or else they will tell us it is stray dirty kitty and we should not bring it in”

Here WE is just another form of YOU. It was meant ‘you’ but said ‘we’ ha ha ha….

I knew with all her pride and I am leader qualities she would do everything all the way till fighting to keep the kitty near the bed where we sleep.

To be continued………………

Confusions .. Fears... Dilemmas.. God!

2010-01-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

Later on we went on to chatting a little bit during lunch break. This was observed by few kids from my sisters class and they told her to keep me away from kids who do not belong to our school. My sister most of the time listens to her friends even when her views may differ from theirs. So naturally she told me I shouldn’t talk to kids from orphanage because they are not from decent families and not well behaved. But I have never come across anyone more fine than my new found friend so far in my life. I decided that I will talk to him more because whenever someone told me not to do something that was the reaction they automatically generated in me. Even with out anyone pushing I knew we could be good friends. He has tremendous affection for Christianity. He is of the opinion that Jesus Christ loves all and even children who are abandoned by their parents. I was happy to know this. I wanted to know about myself. So one day I asked him

“Do you think he will love girls who are naughty, and lie a lot?”

“You need to ask him to forgive you. He will sure forgive and love you”.

“I did not say it was me”

“Sorry. I thought you were talking about yourself. He will love you for sure because you are good. Your lying and naughtiness is not evil, it is just mischievous and also funny at times.”

I felt very happy about that comment. It is among few of the things etched in my memory which will never fade. I was very happy then. I wanted to trade the God my family members were always threatening me of to the loving Jesus. My grandma says so often “God is going to throw you to hell because you disobey me so often. There is big fire burning in hell and it is much fierce than what you see here. Pray to him and be good. Or else no one can save you from hell”. My Mom to says something like that but in a mild manner.

My grandmother doesn’t like me at all. She at times curses me to go hell. She threatens me of God and hell very often.

“You can never go to heaven”

“Will you go to heaven Naani?”
”The all forgiving merciful Allah will put me heaven if he forgives me”

“Then I will be bad enough so that he will not forgive me. I don’t want you to pester me again. I am better off in hell if you are going to heaven. Ha ha ha.”

“You are very bad girl. I haven’t seen anyone worse and bad mannered than you”

“Who created me Naani?”

“Allah”

“So it is his fault. He hated you and all people in our family. So he created a bad girl to trouble you. You all say he can do anything he wants to. He doesn’t want me to be good. So he made me naughty and bad. May be he will put me in heaven for following his orders and troubling you all here. Ha ha ha. Please God! Don’t put me with her there, Please. If you put Naani in west than put me in east. Please ! please!”

This is just one of the many incidences that takes place almost everyday. It was a daily routine, and sometimes I would be trashed by someone for being rude to Naani and making fun of God.

If God doesn’t mind being made fun of by me why should others bother?

“How do you know God doesn’t mind being made fun of?”

“They say he is all powerful. Anybody little bigger and stronger than me beats me if I make fun of them. Do you think God would keep mum if it bothered him? That means he doesn’t mind it. Anyway why should petty people stand for him? Does he need their help?

If he does than he isn’t so great. All options tell me they are wrong about God. They do not know who HE is. If they want me to follow their orders and obey them and pray sincerely they have to first be clear about the God who is forced to be involved in every mistake I make. Either tell me he is almighty who creates, protects, helps, cares and loves us or else say we have created him, let us protect him, not hurt him, take care of him and love him. They are confusing me when they punish me for not being decent when I am talking about God. You mean to say he needs them to save him from a wee girl like me who is hurting him with her comments? And everyone says the God they worship is the right one who is going to take them to heaven, (where my grandma is going, I don’t want to go there ha ha hah… ) giving proofs etc. That again confuses me. How can that be so? I would like it so much if they left me alone to grow up and find the God who created me all by myself. In the pretext of guiding me they are adding to my confusions which is making me revolt against God. I hope he understands why I feel the way I do now about him. If he really is the creator and powerful, then I do not want to trigger his anger.

I have discussed this with my friend. He feels sad to know I am so confused. He is not. It is like he has met God and knows him like I do my neighbor. Even after we became friends I cannot say I am not jealous of him.. I still a bit jealous of him for his sure ways. I am confused and it hurts me at times.

When I do not listen and obey orders, answer back rudely to my grandma and behave haughty no one realizes I am hurting very bad inside me. Those things they say about me is not just flowing like water poured over upside down placed pot as they say………. The most common comment I hear “you ignore us and always do what you feel like… talking to you is like pouring water into an upside down placed pot” Why do they not understand that they are hurting me. Why don’t they realize that they are taking away my only refuge ‘The God’ from me by describing him the way they do.

Was that praise coming out in disguise????

2010-01-02T20:54:00.001-08:00

“ Then how did he become your friend if you do not like him?”

“An incident changed my our attitudes towards each other and such an odd incident at that…...

When I stood first in my second standard final exams my father presented me a watch which I was very proud of. After three days of watching it over at home I decided to wear it to school. I wasn’t very sure because I was still in third standard (Indian way of grading) and no one sported watches that early. Few kids in fifth standard wore wrist watches. Any way I went ahead and wore the watch. But what I did was wear it on my right hand as I thought I should wear it on my right hand so well that never even bothered to check and went to school. The response was good. All congratulated me and they said it was very pretty. No one could make out I was wearing it on the wrong hand. At lunch period I finished my lunch quickly and then sat at my favorite spot reading a book when this boy arrived haughtily on his bicycle and asked me what the time was. I replied “one seven” and he burst out laughing. I felt embarrassed and looked again at my watch and I knew I was right. Then he said “silly girl no one says one seven one eight etc. they say one, one five, one ten and so on. And you are wearing your watch on the wrong hand. Why don’t you learn to wear it properly and also to read the time before showing it off?” That really made me feel very hot in my cheeks. I knew they were red and burning. I just had to say something and couldn’t find words to express my anger. At last I blurted “If you are that smart then make one of those many mothers you have here to present you a watch and stop asking me the time”. I didn’t knew what happened suddenly because there was sudden change in his expression … It was as though I had taken a knife and put it through his heart. Before that if someone told me people can physically change colors I would not have believed but he looked so dark all of sudden. He came over to me and pulled my hair so hard that I had shooting pain not only in my head but also in my neck. I just could not believe that some one could do that to me. My teachers did not punish me nor did my parents for silly things. No one ever ever had touched my hair. And here someone just walked up asking time, making fun of me and now was walking away after hurting me so bad. I dared not to touch him because he had appeared very wild for a while and even before this happened I was a bit afraid of him. Our Physical Trainer who was in charge of discipline during the lunch period was absent for that day and I did know whom to approach. At last I went to the office room of the school and sat crying as I couldn’t find anyone there. In a short while the mother of the convent, Mother Claudia walked in. Everyone was afraid of her. She was the most stern of all the staff. Short, a bit stout with white hair peeking out from the head scarf she sent a tremble through me. But then I just couldn’t let the matter end like that. So I became bold to talk to her though it was the first time I was going to talk to her. She approached me and looked at me and asked me what the matter was that I was in office room crying. Her voice was kind and soft. In between sobs I narrated the incident to her making a slight change that I had only asked him to buy a watch of his own when he suddenly attacked me. She had me seated near her and sent for him. In meanwhile she told me that was a cute watch and also she was very happy with the way I had written my exams. I was surprised to know that she had seen my papers. She said my papers were so good that my teacher Mary had shown it to her and she was very amazed by the fact that there were no mistakes at all. So by the time he walked in my sobs had vanished. She asked him why he had pulled my hair. I was afraid that he would accuse me with something I had said and also what I had not said. But he did not say anything other than “sorry mother, I lost my temper. I will not do it again.” Mother scolded him for being rude and then said “I want you to apologize”. He turned to me and said “sorry”. Mother superior started to open the ledger in front of her thinking it was the end of the matter. I was aghast. I expected something more from her. I had already become bold and so went on “mother he pulled my hair”. She looked up at me quizzically. I fumbled for words but said “I want you to pull his hair too, because he has hurt me and if by saying sorry he can get away with it then he will do it again”. Mother was surprised and amused to hear me talk like that. She said calmly, “I can’t pull his hair. He has realized that he has made a mistake and he has sincerely apologized. You can now go back to your class”.

“No I won’t go back to my class until he is punished. Even before he pulled my hair I hated him”.

“Why”

“Because God has given him everything. It is not fair for someone to be perfect when others are not. He can play well, he is not afraid, and he is very beautiful. I hate his perfect face and feel like scratching it to make it look normal. I hate him. You all shower so much of love on him. He should be punished more………..” I just blurted everything out very fast and suddenly stopped fearing the outcome of this outburst. To my astonishment I heard nothing. I looked up to find the mother smiling broadly at me and also the boy was smiling now. I got confused as to why it was so. Mother said slowly “if I pull your hair will you say something nice to me?” and she laughed openly now. She slowly pulled my hair and said “you sure have a way of praising people”. It was then that he walked to me bent his head and said “ok. Here. Pull my hair as hard as you want”. I don’t know why I did not feel like pulling his hair. I said “ok, I will accept the sorry. I will go back to my class now. Thank you mother”

So that is how it ended. Even now whenever mother superior is near me she slightly tugs my plait.

The boy later approached me when I was walking towards my class and told me sincerely

“I am so sorry I made fun of you. You are really very bold. But I want to thank you for what you said. I never thought someone could be jealous of me. I am an orphan. They pity me a lot but you are the first person who got jealous of me”.

From then on we got to be friends. Not very close friends but we would talk to each other few lines and exchange ‘hi’.

Encounter with God.....

2009-12-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

Thank God! This is the end of the pain….

“Do you always thank God for the good things that happen to you?”

“Not always but sometimes I do thank God. I am not sure it just slips out like an expression all the time. There are times when I really feel grateful to God and say thank you to him. My experience of God is totally different and it is unique to me. I do not much believe in what other people have to say about God. My faith is built by what I feel. Like one of the incidents that happened which made my faith go through a roller coaster ride.

“Few yrs ago I had an encounter with God. He hit me hard on my head. The problem was I couldn’t say this to anyone because I was being naughty when this happened and there would be punishment waiting for me.

It all started because of the fight me and my sister always have going on between us. My sister loves to run the table fan in full speed and I do not like it that way. I was more sensitive to cold weather and therefore I would always feel cold and start shivering in the night and it was so difficult to sleep. But she always insisted to keep the fan running even in winter and we would fight about it. One day the fight continued for a long time and she hit me. She was much stronger than me and most of the kids around and hitting her back would just earn me few more hard blows. I was very angry with her and decided to teach her a lesson. So I got the blade I kept for sharpening the pencil and began cutting the wire of the fan. I had made sure everybody was engaged in something or other and there was no one in the room. I had taken all precautions yet after sometime someone hit me so hard on the head that I fell down. I looked around but found no one there either in the room or out of it. I then suddenly remembered what Sister Laurence had told us in the Moral Science class. She had warned us to be good or else God will punish us. It was then that I suddenly realized that God was angry with me. This thought really scared me but I couldn’t talk about it because then I would be punished for cutting the wire and also my sister would make fun of me. After this incident I became less naughty because the thought of a blow landing from nowhere was very scary.”

“It is very rare for God to really land a blow on a small child”

“Yes. And later on I realized he did not hit me. It was just confusion on my part. Last month in my science book I learnt about electricity and wires. Suddenly I realized I had just got the shock reaching the copper wire after cutting through the plastic covering. It was not Gods blow. But now I have grown up and I have also lost touch with playing pranks. For some time I haven’t been lying and cheating fearing God’s blow and life has been easy that way. So I think I will stay like this from now on. That incident made me very honest and good. Everybody has been good to me and teachers also place their trust in me. When I say something they don’t doubt me so I can’t just let them down now. May be after all God loves me and it is his way of making me be good. It may really have been a blow from him because he must have been tired of my pranks. I have a friend in school too with whom I don’t talk very often. That is just because he is a boy and everybody makes a big fuss about a girl being friend with boy. I can’t understand why? I actually find boys more interesting than girls. They make paper boats and planes so well. They know about cars, bikes and cricket. But girls always talk about everything so silly. They don’t know anything about cricket or hockey. I am sort of forced to listen to them because I can’t get into the boy’s group where all the interesting talk is taking place. This friend of mine is not from our school but comes here sometimes. He is from some orphanage run by Christian missionaries. He comes here to the convent to meet some nuns. I really never got to know where he was from nor what was he visiting our school for. But I did not like him or may be I was jealous of this particular boy because he would come storming on his bicycle and then hoot suddenly which would make us jump out of our skins and then would laugh at us. Now who likes to be made fun of? The nuns were very good to him and they openly showered love on him which did not go down well with me”.

End of the pain...

2009-12-14T04:53:00.000-08:00

When I was not walking around and my family did not know that I had a fracture, they had scared me about what doctors would do, how they would tie up my leg in hot plaster etc. That had made me feel very scared of undergoing treatment. Though the doctor I met last time was very good to me I could not forget the other doctors in the village who had made my life miserable.

I started wailing loudly once inside the hospital without any warning or signs. All the hospital staff got very irritated and soon tried scaring me, cajoling me, bribing me into silence. Nothing worked. I just kept shouting at the top of my voice and who ever tried to put hand on my mouth and tried to shut it up got bitten by me. My aunt was bitten twice and my mom once.

I was taken into a room where they were supposed to put my leg under plaster and that room scared me more than ever. The head nurse told them to put me on the bed and walk out. My mother and aunt were just relieved to get away from me. The nurse held me down tightly and they both just walked away closing the door behind them. I kept wailing at the top of my voice and the nurse just kept beating the drum on the table to make a song out of my wailing. Soon I realized that my wailing was not working with this tough lady and was thinking about a different plan to escape the hot plaster and torture. It was then the doctor (Dr.Ballal) walked in.

I was scared stiff. I suddenly stopped wailing and became very silent. I did not have enough guts to try out anything now. I really started to cry slowly. The doctor asked me, “Why is a brave little girl like you crying?” “Please don’t torture me; please don’t put hot plaster on my leg. I am really having very bad pain in my leg. I am not brave, I am so scared.. sob sob sniff sniff sob”

“Who said I am going to put hot plaster and torture you?”

“My mother and all the people in my house said that”

“Wait a minute, I will call them here”

He called them both in and scolded them for putting fear about the doctors and hospitals in little children which made the doctors look like villains and also the kids went through so much of a terrible trauma in the hospital which was not good for them. He made them tell me the reason why they had told all the lies to scare me and console me before he continued with the treatment. My poor mother and aunt were in very sticky situation there. They had to tell me that they had lied to scare me.

Anyway, within 15 minutes they were out, I was quite and the doctor came in. He was very kind and nice to me. He felt a lot of pity for the girl who had been made to suffer with a fracture on her leg (which already had an untreated club foot on it) for quite some time. He was angry with my mother for not trying to correct the club foot with a surgery. In short I felt the doctor was on my side.

When he brought the plaster near me, I was very scared and he could sense the fear.

“Don’t be afraid, I will allow you to touch and feel it before I wrap your leg in the cast. You can make sure it will not burn you”.

And he allowed me to touch few things he had kept there. The nurse was not very happy with the way the doctor was treating me. So I decided that she was not on my side. He also allowed me to cut few strips of tapes and I think I saw the nurse giving out smokes like a chimney. He told me to study hard and become a doctor like him and help children. He kept talking to me and I never knew when he finished with the cast. My whole leg was covered in white cast. It started from my toes and ran up to my upper thigh. Now I could not hop around anymore on one leg. Someone had to carry me. At home taking care of me became a big burden. I refused to sit in the same spot for more than 30 minutes. Every time they had to run around to find a strong person to carry me from one place to another.

I fell down twice and got a lines of fracture on my cast. Once I tried to scratch an itchy spot with a broom stick and got a wound inside the cast. All these created a lot of worries, chaos and invited a tirade of curses for me. Somehow I was very sure the curses would not affect me in any way. Once my sister was swinging with me quite fast when the big swing broke and my cast almost broke. My aunt scolded my sister for bringing more trouble (where as she was trying to help me a bit) which bothered her very much. She started crying and went out of the house. She was not to be seen anywhere for 3 hours after which few fishermen brought her home.

My mother was aghast to learn that she was walking into the sea because she was fed up of life. The fishermen had seen her and brought her home.

Somehow the people at home remained sane between two of us.

Soon it was time for another trip to doctor for the removal of my cast. My aunt told my mom to make sure that the person who carried me did not have any hairs in his ears.

Thus ended my adventure in Byndoor though I lived there for some more time I could not venture out of the house. For three months I was bed ridden. I started learning Kannada language and reading books. By the end of three months I was reading news paper. I would add some spice and narrate the events to my mother and her family. So the fracture had not been a very bad event after all. It honed my reading skills. Also after the incident I was more into reading and less into physical activities. I became silent because I could not read and talk at the same time. Having found a way to shut me up people found lots of interesting books for me to read.

When we went to remove the cast the doctor was very happy with me. I was not wailing or crying but instead I said “Hello Sir, how are you? ”. just like the children in my books do. “ My my.. who do we have here. Is this the same girl who was scared of me last time?” I could clearly see that he was very pleased with me. I told him about the books I have been reading. I also confessed to him that I trust doctors and I am sure they do not hurt people. He was quite amazed with the change that had come over me and also surprised to know that I could read books at such a young age. He felt very proud to have been a part of the change in my attitude towards doctors. He gave me two comics which was the first ever comic book I ever saw. I loved the pictures in the book and it was easy to understand and read.

Thank God that was the end of the pain….

The Pain continues but I can see light at the end of the tunnel....

2009-12-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

One look at my leg and he exclaimed “Oh God! What have you done to this poor girl? This definitely looks like a multiple major fracture to me. Lets get an X-ray done fast.”

That scared me a lot. I did not know what an x-ray was and what it would do to me. So I began to wail.

“Why are you crying?” asked the doctor.

“I am scared of x-rays”

“It is just a photograph of your bones baby. Nothing else. Don’t worry. I know you are in pain and I will take care not to touch your legs at all”.

Now this was something interesting. I just wanted to have a look at the bones in my leg. I was very curious now. My curiosity made me quite and I could hear loudly the sigh of relief ringing around me.

So we entered a dark room. All the people accompanying me were made to stand outside. I felt important jumping in on my one good leg, leaving them behind worried and ashamed. Yeah, they were ashamed because the doctor had not minced words. He had torrents of advice showered on them.

It was all over before I knew what was going on. Then we had to wait for some time and I dozed off and fell asleep. The doctor got the report very soon and it was clear that the bone of my leg had not only been fractured but because of my effort in putting weight on it, it had got protruded outwards with chips on the sides. The doctor was aghast that they had tried to make me walk on my leg. He felt very sorry for me and told my mother that he was not able to handle the case. They will have to consult an orthopedic specialist in a bigger town called Mangalore. He also added that they have been very cruel to me and the pain with such a fracture left uncared for could be quite painful. He also added that they should somehow make it up to me now by being very nice until the cast is put because they were responsible for what has happened to me in many ways. He was very smart and efficient doctor but he also made a mistake there by telling all these in front of me. He spoke in Kannada. He must have either thought that I did not know the language or he was trying to extract some revenge on the people who were cruel to a small girl who looked quite innocent to him. It is still not clear to me.

Now my mommy and aunt were in tears and were fussing over me a lot. They gave me some apples, chocolates and ice-cream.

We got back into the taxi to drive back home. I was very silent. They thought I must have got scared. The truth - I was planning how to take advantage of the situation I was in. The doctor’s words of “be nice to that poor girl now” kept ringing in my mind.

After some time they must have got worried as to why I was not talking and made a mistake of asking me

“Do you want something Fari?”

“Yes! I want to know why uncle has such big hairs in his ears”.

The driver burst out so loud that he lost control of the car and narrowly escaped the lorry which was coming towards us. There were lots of shouts from my Mother and aunt. Then they got angry with the driver and asked him whether he was planning of killing us all.

All he did was laugh and keep quite for sometime and then start laughing all over again shaking like a jelly to the irritation of my mother and aunt.

“Please tell me mommy. Why does he have such big hairs in his ears?”

My mother and aunt looked at each other as if to search for some answer. My aunt thought of an answer “Let us ask your uncle when we get back to Byndoor”.

“OK”

My mother squealed “What are you saying there stupid woman? You don’t want her to walk in there and immediately start pestering us to ask him why he has hairs in his ears when all will be standing there to hear the report”.

“Please find some answer or I will go crazy now”

“Who can answer such questions?”

They kept arguing between themselves and I wondered how stupid both of them were. If they had asked me something similar I would have found some answer by now. Anyway the driver came to their rescue

“Baby. Listen, I will tell you why he has hairs in his ears”.

“How do you know that?”

“I was there when it happened”

“Ok, see I knew something had happened. Was God involved in it?”

“In a way yes. His mother wanted him to use tooth pick after eating meat and keep his teeth clean and safe. He agreed with that and did it but he also played pranks on her. He would always hide them and make her search for it when she was busy doing some work. One day she got very angry. Very very angry. She cursed him that may God grow toothpicks in his ears. And there big hairs sprouted from his ears. After that whenever he asked his mother where the toothpicks were she would tell him to find it in his ears. That is it”

“You mean he uses them like toothpicks?”

“You have not seen that yet? He does and it is something you should watch. He just plucks a hair from his ear and clean his teeth”.

I did not believe him but was happy to have an answer. I don’t know why my mother and aunt did not hug and give him a big kiss for finding an answer for them. We came back home and everyone told everyone that THEY knew something was wrong with me and everyone blamed everyone for not listening to THEM. My sister was in tears because she was made to hurt me by lying to me about the crows nest and I got a string of apologies from her.

After a few days I was taken to Mangalore.

I was tired and drowsy for most part of the trip and slept a lot. It was 7 hours journey. I was given a lot of favorite food to eat for past three days. I was forgiven for most of things I did around the house and for some reason being naughty became boring …I became a quite girl waiting for the Mangalore trip to happen so that the pain in leg could finally be rid of but I was also very scared inside. No one knew the turmoil going on in me..

Discovering Physical pain.. which can leave scars too ...

2009-12-08T06:49:00.001-08:00

The fear of being hunted did not keep us confined to our home for long. Soon we were back in fresh air again.

We caught fish from small brooks and put them in the well. Oh!! It was so much of fun and for once in my life I was not studying anything….

They had a big swing there inside the house and we enjoyed it a lot. But nothing good or bad can last forever. So finally the laughter was wiped off my face. My vacation ended in a tragedy when I fell down from a chair and fractured my leg. The main problem was that the doctor who checked out with my leg did not diagnose it to be fracture but said some nerve or muscle must have strained causing the pain. He gave my mother some ointment to be applied where it hurt me. I had to go through hell when they applied the ointment.

I could not put down my leg and walk because of the shooting pain. I could neither lay on the bed the whole day and so started jumping around on my left leg which was easy as it was strong enough to substitute for other club footed leg which was rarely used for standing on.

After a week they consulted the doctor again and he said that I was just being scared to walk after the fall and they should somehow make me walk again without fussing over me all the time. Saying so he gave more medicines now to be taken orally and for application. There was bluish color appearing on my leg and that had got my mother worried. So now they tried to force me to walk which had me wailing loud enough to get few neighbors rushing in to find out what was going on. The pain was so bad that I was willing to scratch, bite and fully swallow anyone who dared to touch my leg. They gave up the idea of force and decided to fool me. One day my sister told me that if I would walk then she would show me a crow’s nest with a golden stick hidden in it which she had found. I was very much tempted and tried to put weight on my leg which sent shooting pain up to my head and I almost fainted. I felt something cracking in my leg then. After that I became very careful with my leg and would never put it down for any reason nor would I allow anyone to touch it. The next day I went to the garden in front of the house to pick up flowers jumping around on one leg. My mother’s grandfather saw me then and approached me with a big cane. He knew I was scared of him and tried to make me walk properly threatening me with the cane. He had me cornered in the garden and out of fear and anger I started howling loudly. My mother rushed out but waited to see if I would walk. Finally being scared to death I put my leg down and again felt the shooting pain and decided not to try it .. so I picked it back up quickly though not before finding my self in pain and now I was very wild. Wild enough to snatch the cane which was bigger than me and beat the old man but before I could even move my mother rushed and stopped her grandfather. May be she realized this was not going to end in a good way. She decided that something must be really wrong with me and I should be taken to the nearby town for a better diagnosis. I refused to eat anything or even talk to anyone until they promised not to hurt my leg anymore. So the next day they engaged a taxi to take me to Kundapura. Someone had to carry me all the way to the road and so my father’s brother-in-law was called in to carry me. My dad was in Bangalore because he had limited days of leave from the place of work. I was glad with the arrangement because I thought this was going to end my awful experience. Being my normal self I started observing the man who was carrying me and found that he had long hairs sticking out of his ears. That amazed me a lot. I had to know what made him have hairs in his ears when no one else had it. So as soon as I was in taxi I asked my mother

“Mommy, why does that uncle have so many big hairs in his ears?”

“How can I answer that question?”

“Why can’t you answer a simple question like that?”

“God made him like that”

“Why did God make only Him like that?”

“Not only him. There are other people who have hairs in their ears”

“Then why have we not seen them?”

“I have seen them”

“Then please Mommy name them for me”

“My God!! Will you please keep quite, the driver is losing his concentration and we will be in an accident if you go on like this”

“But I want to know why that uncle has hairs in his ears”

“Why do you want to know that now? He has hairs in ears and that is it. Why should you bother about it?”

“What do I do if it is bothering me and I want to know why there are hairs in his ears?”

“Wow!! Look at the river my darling.. can you see the boat?”

“Yes.. I can see the boat and why is that man carrying a stick in his hand?”

“That is to push the boat ahead”

I was silent for some more time watching out the things that were passing by. Soon we came to a monotonous village and suddenly I remembered that I still did not know why uncle had so many big hairs in his ears. So I started to ask my Mommy again. It went on for some time and my mother got a big head ache and she vomited. My aunt said she was getting a headache and was feeling sick too and if I did not shut up they would just turn back and go home. Now that bothered me because I wanted the pain in my leg to go away but that meant I would be ignorant of why hairs were growing out my uncle’s ears. I decided to shut up because both my Mom and Aunt looked annoyed. They never could hear anything repeated more often…

So I was left wondering and worrying as to why uncle had big hairs in his ears. We reached the town Kundapura and there I met a very pleasant doctor named B.M. Agadi. I will always remember him just because he was responsible for putting me out of very severe pain. It is easy to remember good things in life. As easy as remembering the bad things that hurt us.

(PS: The uncle with hair in ears is my father-in-law.)

About my first trip to Byndoor.. my native village

2009-12-04T06:57:00.000-08:00

Hmmmmm. Let me tell you something light now. That was quite heavy on me too. My childhood was not horrible one. I had good loving parents and was given good food, education etc which was a luxury for a girl child in India. It was simple thing that grown up people did not understand my emotions and were ignorant of the fact that they were hurting me. My parents had no clue how to deal with a child who had club foot and also they never accepted this fact. My childhood had its own funny incidents and one of them is my first visit to our native village. After my first two years in school during the summer vacation my family decided to spend few months in our native village Byndoor. It is small village on sea coast and is very different from where we live. There we stayed at my mother’s place. Though my father’s house was also nearby we rarely went there. The food, the air, the smell, the people .. everything was so different. I went wild over there because I was allowed to go anywhere I wanted and play however I wanted in Byndoor. Women from muslim community always wore Burkha when they ventured out and covered their faces in front of males. They had the pallau over their head always. As we were living in this section of society I found it very interesting that women were shy to show their faces.

Most of kids were not much educated. No one could speak English and that made me feel superior there.

I loved exploring the backyards, the old attics with all sort of things stored there. I also found some colorful beads which they say were used to decorate the bed during weddings earlier but has been stopped now. They were lots and lots of them and in all the colors I have ever seen in my life. I claimed possession to it even before my sister could open her mouth and got yes from my family. I spend a lot of time sorting them out and playing with them and my everyone looked sad when I announced that I am done with them.

The village was full of gossips, treasures to be hunted, adventures etc. I went in search of crows nest because some one mentioned they store a stick made of gold in them. Lots of time was spent following crows and to see which nest it would get into. But the crows would only sit on the ledges or trees and I could never find a nest. In evenings they disappeared without trace. I was always looking for treasures in Byndoor and made up wonderful tales to get my sister involved with me. We both gave food to crows and tried to befriend them so that they would lead us to their nests.

One fine afternoon we fell down from the position of hunters and became the hunted when I and my sister had a narrow escape from a temple owned bull.

( Note from me: India is a country where people worship many animals and these animals are considered sacred. Monkeys eat a large amount of food and in the process lay to waste a lot of it. People can starve here but not the monkeys. People always have food for them even when they are chasing away an old man or woman or ignoring an orphan. Peacocks are sacred. Elephants are worshipped and offered coconuts on one hand where as on the other hand they are killed for ivory and made to work hard. Snakes annually kill 50,000 people in India but even they are worshipped. Cow worship is a matter of controversy here always and they have been lots of riots taking place regarding this. As for me I love animals and would never hurt any animal in my life. Even the cockroaches. But when it comes to worshipping them I say sorry as I consider myself superior to them.).

As per the custom of the place people would not bother the bull who would be roaming the streets. They would offer him food. It was believed that if the bull ate food from ones house then they would prosper. So people were always feeding it and it had grown very big and strong with a little mountain kind of hump on its back. We both had been to market to buy some vegetables and there we bought some sugarcane. When we were walking back home we saw the bull staring at us… and then it slowly started pawing the earth. I was quite scared and you too would be if you saw the look in its eyes and it s enormity.

All of sudden it started rushing towards us and we had to run. I was surprised that I overtook my sister in running. We both did not stop nor turned back to look but we knew the bull was running behind because we could hear its hooves hitting the road like hammer on nails. I saw a narrow gate into the garden which would allow us to pass through and entered it and my sister followed. We went little further inside and stood there to see whether the bull was chasing us. The bull ran up to the gate and hit hard against the walls of the compound trying to get it. Thank God it was so fat that not even its head with those huge horns could get in the narrow passage which was made to prevent cattle from eating the plants in the compound. These narrow passages are seen in many places in Byndoor. We finally realized we were safe. Though horrifying it was also a very funny experience for both of us. Later on we calculated that it must have been tempted by the sugarcanes we were carrying. For few days we did not venture out and I am not sure why by the end of three days everyone in my family was down with headaches other than me and my sister.

PAIN!!!! Dealing with not so good emotions.....

2009-11-29T06:19:00.001-08:00

My mother was shocked to hear this and gave me a disgusted look and asked.. “Oh my God! This is not over yet?”

“I want to know who my real parents are”

“We are your real parents”

“Then why should things you do for me must be considered as a sacrifice? I can see even the monkeys take care of their kids without bragging much about it”

“So you feel we are not even as good as animals to you?”

Now this is the place where I get stuck. I knew that was not what I meant. But also I did not know how to put it properly. I wanted them to know that I wanted them to treat me equally. I do not like when they do not serve on the first come first served basis. I am very particular that I should be not late. So without much vocabulary to say what I wanted to say I just blurted out

“You think you are better than the monkeys? Have you not seen them loving their kids? No one has ever loved me like a monkey has loved its kid. I wish I was a monkey baby”

That set my Mother weeping and wailing out few things like

“This child is really very difficult to handle. I love my kids so much. I get into all sorts of trouble just to give them good life. What do I get to hear in the end? This is the reward for all my hard work? How will I ever manage this girl?”

My grandmother who had been praying all that time with the beads.. came out angrily.

She felt I am torturing her daughter.

“My daughter has sacrificed all her life for your father and his kids. She works from morning till night. Never eats good food. Never wears good clothes. She provides everything nice for you and suffers so much. I should have never married her to your father in the first place. Do you know she sold all her gold to get your foot treated in Bangalore? She used to travel all the way from Byndoor to Bangalore to put your foot under plaster so that you could walk properly. You have only brought poverty and misery to your mother. It is your bad luck that your leg did not heal and you still limp. My poor child even left her place and shifted to Bangalore so that you could get proper treatment. We should have thrown you in the dump like your father said….hmmmpppppfffrrr.”

That was very hurting for me. I was hurt and angry. I still wonder why people say such painful things to small kids. Do they really deserve to be abused so emotionally? I somehow could not allow someone to talk in such a way and get away with it. I know there is truth in what my Grandmother says but she should not have said that in the way she told me.

Again I have always thought that my father loved me dearly. It was very shocking to know that he told them to throw me away. So I first wanted to clear that matter.

My mother had stopped weeping and was trying to calm down her mother now who was now furious and looked ready to attack me any moment. I was very angry with my grandmother and did not wish to talk to her anymore. So I asked my mother whether it was true that my father had really said that.

“He very badly wanted the second child to be a boy. When he heard the second child was a girl he was upset and more so when they told him you had a twisted right foot. He said that in a fit of anger something like … ‘then why don’t you dump that kid?”

“Did my daddy say that?”

“It was before he saw you dear. When he saw you he was so happy to see the fair chubby girl that he would not put you down”

“But he told to throw me away. I will him ask about it later when he gets back home. Anyway it would have been so nice if you had thrown me away and some monkeys would have carried me. I at least would not have to deal with grandmothers there. I see the grandmothers of monkeys die before the young ones are born. I have a feeling that no one should give birth to kids until the grandmothers are dead and shut in grave”.

My grandmother was a very superstitious person and hated any reference to her death and grave. She always avoided hearing them out. That was something I did on purpose. To hurt her because she had wounded me very badly and there was no way I was allowing her to get away with this. But what followed my outburst was not even expected by me. My grandma gave a very wild shriek, something which I was hearing for the first time ever and then just fell backwards to the floor. She started beating on her chest and then started beating up the floor with her hands and legs. I was scared stiff inside but put on a brave careless attitude outside. She started cursing me and sobbing and then suddenly she changed. She was taking the part of a very angry woman. Sitting there on the floor she ordered my Mom to make me say ‘ Tauba Tauba, Allah forgive me for what I have said and may my grandmother live long’. My Mother angrily turned towards me and ordered me to say it. Now, I still have no clue what made her think I would say those words. I will rather be killed before saying them and she knew I was always a stubborn child. Yet she asked me and I just turned away. She held me and shook me and said “Say it. Just to please your grandmother”.

“ Who says I want to please anyone in this house?”

“What have I done to deserve this child?”

“May be something very bad. Now find that out and ask forgiveness of God so that he will forgive you and take me away”.

“Oh! Darling, you are my princess, my sweetest child. For mommy’s sake please ask Grandma to forgive you and end this”.

“I am not going back ever on anything I say and I mean and wish that grandma’s were dead before grandkids are born or at least my grandma was dead before I was born”.

Now my grandmother started such a commotion and later seemed to have a fit. Our neighbors rushed in to see what was happening and when they enquired my grandma pointed to me. They gave me nasty, curious and all sort of different looks which had me terribly embarrassed. I will never know what they concluded. I was too shy to stand there so I went away into a room and locked myself up. I was all alone now and could cry without anyone knowing it. But I did not cry. I did not want to cry and feel weak inside myself. So I tried to forget what happened and concentrated on my reading and actually I could forget everything after sometime and went on reading an interesting book.

I decided never to touch anything from that topic again until someone else provoked it and no one has done that until now. I am waiting for my dad to say something which will prod me ask why he decided to throw me away. Though I never talk about it I do feel the events of that day most of the time. They hang around me most of the time like mist of the cold mornings. There were lots of emotions in me which I could not name. It changed me a lot. I have never been able to be a careless, funny, naughty child again after that particular day. And I will never stop hating my grandma for what she said to me. May be later much later I will forgive her someday.

Confusions leading to frustrations and tantrums...

2009-11-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

“What is that you want to say but don’t?”

“I try to convey my irritation to my family. I don’t know how to express myself. All I want to say is I feel discriminated by them. But it will only lead to a torrent of all the things they have provided for me and all the things I have in my life that I should be thankful. God is never happy with ungrateful children who ignore his blessings is something I have heard very often. Usually they discard my feelings and say that I am just stupid to talk in this manner. Most of the time they feel I have no reason to feel unhappy. That leads to anger and then I start throwing tantrums. I can’t help it. I can’t handle it in any other way. When I am throwing a tantrum at I get to talk out loud whatever I want for sometime and that helps ease the frustration building up in me in some way.

One bad day I just wouldn’t stop with a simple tantrum and all of a sudden a thought came over in my mind that may be I was not their kid. I asked my mom whether I was her child or not and she said “Now who ever has heard anything sillier than this?”. I was sort of very irritated that particular day and went on asking whether I was their child or not. All this started with a breakfast of chapatti. I was very angry because my mother gave the first chapatti to my sister though I was there waiting for it in the first place. I got up earlier, got myself ready for school on my own when she was getting ready yet with all the fuss and help from my grandma. I hate being late to school. Because of my mother I have to run all the way to the bus stop at times. I find it so difficult to run with the school bag. My leg troubles me. My mother doesn’t understand this. I can’t say that my leg troubles me. I never say that. I feel as though I will be confessing to being inferior if I ever do that. Now ‘that question’ they all said was very bad and my grandmother said I was very ungrateful bad girl. I do not understand why a child is considered bad if they just express any doubt that comes into their mind. I sort of can’t speak what is coming in my mind without being scolded for being bad. So I don’t talk much to the people who do not understand me. I just learnt to use water colors to paint and our physical trainer who is an wonderful artist is guiding me. I did quite few good paintings. I stood first in drawing competitions and many other events last year”.

“You are a lucky girl”

“I am not lucky. I am very hard working”

“OK. Do you want to tell me few things that have been hurting you? You remember a small incident there about a chapatti and you asking a question. It must have had something more behind it for you to mention it now”

Yes. My grandmother gave me big list of things that my mother and others have done for me. She says there has been a lot of a sacrifice done for my sake from my family.I was getting late to school and so I left fuming with anger without eating my breakfast. I could not concentrate properly in my class. My anger was almost burning me and I must have behaved very odd in my class. My teacher who always found me intently listening to every word she said must have got worried and I was sent away to the hospital nearby with another teacher to get my temperature checked .. ha ha ha.

I do not understand what got the teacher so much worried though. I have been upset earlier too but never has that been visible. I tried my best to concentrate on the notes the teacher was writing down on the board and could not wait to get back home as soon as possible so that I could bring the matter up and get few things set in their place.

I could not wait for the bus and so almost ran all the 5 km home which did not ease my frustration even a bit. I was totally sweating and tired by the time I reached home. I gulped down a glass of water and started the question again…

“OK come out with the truth. Where did you bring me from? I do not seem to be your own child”

Happy or not so happy.. confusions, insecurity, doubts etc.

2009-11-19T20:29:00.001-08:00

“So you finally got what you went looking for. You must be happy now”

“I should be, but I am not happy. At school the teachers encourage me and also in the P.T. sessions our physical trainer is very encouraging and kind to me. He involves me in every sport. No one dares to tease me when he is around. He forgives me when I don’t wear black shoes. So I am very happy in my school. My teachers are very good to me. But back home every one appreciates me. But I am not sure the appreciation is for me. It could well be for my achievement. And that makes me feel insecure. What if I can’t perform well? Then, will I be mistreated by them?”

“Don’t you feel that the teachers too love you because you are good in studies? Everybody has something special about them and being intelligent is that specialty in you. Do you think they would hate your sister if she would become ugly some day?”

“I think my teachers love me because I am good at studies and also never miss to do homework even for once. I keep my books very neat and clean and also I write very neatly in them. They appreciate my work openly which makes me so happy and proud. But then they are supposed to love me just for that. But my parents are supposed to love me because I am their own child. They have to love me for what even others would hate me for. But they have failed in their job. That is OK.... Sigh! Though I earned their love, I have it for now. That makes me happy. I have been very busy with my books and reading a lot of stories. I don’t like fairy tales though. They are so out of the world. I read them because they are mentioned very often and I don’t want to be ignorant of them. I read news paper and narrate the incidents to my family. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I seem to have lost interest in talking to people. No one shows interest in listening to me. I do write out my experiences but then I just throw them away because I don’t want to be a laughing stock.”

School... Wonderful!!!!

2009-11-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

Now Mr.Right did a great favor to me and I started trying to walk with better gait to impress him. It was painful and tough but I knew I could do it.
No one ever knew what made my gait improve so much and how all of sudden I was walking so well. Everyday I spent a lot of time concentrating on my gait and walking a lot.
This led to the next major development of my life- SCHOOL. Finally my mom and dad had enough confidence in me to send me to school.
I was quite big girl in my class because my Mom and Dad waited for sometime before sending me to school. They wanted to be sure I can walk the distance required to reach school on my own.. Our school had divisions like pre-nursery, LKG and UKG before we started the first grade. I was to sit in pre-nursery where we had kids three years younger to me. Soon the teachers saw that I could memorize rhymes quickly and asked me to learn alphabets and numerals in classroom. I picked up the alphabets and numerals very fast because I had been practicing reading and writing at home. So they promoted me from pre-nursery to LKG and then from LKG to UKG in few months. Soon I came to 1st standard where I had classmates of my age. Still the portions appeared very easy for me. I had learned to read Kannada much better than my sister who was 3 ½ years elder to me. I enjoyed reading and learning because it was so easy.
Now I expected them to promote me as soon as I could finish my lessons for the class. And I did finish my lessons in few months but the promotion did not come along, I started pestering my sister that she should take me along with her to her class because I could read her books. I wanted to be with her in 4th std. So the teachers and my sister had very tough time handling me for some months. I would just sneak out of my class when the teacher was engaged with something and enter my sister’s class and occupy some empty place. I wonder at times why they just sent me back when they found out without any harsh punishments for me. After some time I realized this wasn’t going work out. So I settled down in 1st standard. My sister had so much difficulty picking up kannada language. So I wanted to prove at home that I could do better than her and what was the best way other than to learn the language well. And it was quite easy too. As I began to parrot out tables and read my lessons, I became the centre of attraction. In the beginning no one noticed what I was studying because I think no one expected someone as naughty as me to be studious. They attributed my promotion to sympathy because of my handicap. They would talk about it in front of me thinking I was a just a kid and would not understand anything. But I understood every word they said and began to dislike them. But later on they realized I was good in studies and suddenly I became a favorite with my dad. I am his most loved child now. He presented me with a watch for standing first in final exams of 2nd std.”

Meeting Mr.Right ............

2009-11-11T20:32:00.001-08:00

One day as I was piling up the dirt I saw this young cute person watching me with a smile. That was surprising. He wasn’t angry at what I was doing. He just shook his head meaning don’t do it. And I had to agree with someone so beautiful. I couldn’t go against a person who was smiling when I was doing something wrong and not saying shhhhhhhhh shhhhh. He had to be very good person. So I asked my aunt “who is he? What is his name?” she looked at me curiously and asked “why do you want to know that now?” “He is so cute and I want to marry him”. Suddenly I could see that her face just lit up. I could see her discussing something very seriously with my mother and I was sure it was about what I had told her just now and they both kept giggling at me. For once they had no problem handling me. So the next day they announced to me that his name was Raja, and he would marry me if I would behave well and keep quite. He wasn’t willing to talk to me because he was very upset that I had been always naughty and talkative. But he agreed to allow them to sit in a place where I could watch him. I was afraid that he may have told them what I was doing but they did not speak about it and so I admired him more for not giving away my secret. From then on it was Raja from morning till night.
“If you don’t drink milk you will not become fair and then Raja may refuse to marry you”
“If you cry you may lose your eyesight and Raja will not like you”
“If you shout loudly your voice will go hoarse and Raja will not like talking to you” and they had me do everything they wanted. I would sit there in front of him and look at him quietly waiting for him to find me so good and nice and try to talk to me. He would occasionally throw a glance at me and smile and sometimes ask ‘what?’ by raising his eyebrows. I can’t remember how long this went on. But then I just got bored beyond my limit. I just couldn’t keep quite anymore. I had just started to be my old self when I was stopped all of sudden by a chubby fair girl from China. So now my mother would say “if you don’t listen to me then Raja will marry her because she is very good and so quite” so I had to give in for a few more days. I hated that girl. Actually she was so fat and tired that she could not do anything much. As though I was already not having enough on my plate she had to come along to add to my woes. Whenever I found her looking my way I would make faces and stare angrily at her. She was surprised in the beginning but then started acting scared of me and I loved that. Again I could not stay quite for a long time. Not even to marry someone as nice as Raja. Yes for once I decided to settle the matter for once and all. One day I saw him walking towards the hostel and my mother and aunt were engrossed in conversation with some new found friends. I told them I am going to daddy and ran away. I just ran up to him and called Raja. He did not turn back. I thought I was still not good enough for him to talk to me. Yet I could not do everything they told me anymore so I just went up to him and touched his hand. He looked down and smiled at me. I felt very happy that he was not angry with me. The one thing I liked about him and still remember is he sat down on his knees so that he could talk to me and that too with his spotless white pants. He asked me kindly “are you lost? Where is your mother?” I replied speedily in one breath. “I don’t know what they have been saying to you about me but I have been good girl ever since you told them and I am finding it very boring. I want to know when you are marrying me and coming home with me because I can’t do everything they are asking me to do anymore”. He was shocked and amused. But he knew there was something behind this. So he questioned me a little more and I answered him but as we talked I realized that they had been lying to me. They had cheated me. They did not know his name too. He told me his name and I could not even pronounce it. But he was a very good person. He told me I was nice when I was naughty and he liked me when I looked mischievous. So we sort of became friends in a very short time. But I wanted to know whether we can marry?
“Why do you want marry me?”
“Because I want to be with you”
“Why?”
“You are cute and you like it when I am mischievous. With you I can be naughty and still not be scolded for it”
“But after marriage people have to cook food, wash clothes, etc. but look at your hands, they are so small. Look at my hands they are so big. We should be of same size to marry. So you should play well, eat well and study well and do me a favor. Try to walk with as much less limp as possible”
He went on to hold my foot and showed me the best way I could maintain balance.
“Then when you grow up I will marry you. But you don’t have to be very quite and sober. You can be playful and naughty. And don’t tell your mother or aunt about our friendship. Let that be a secret”.
“My mom lied to me and so did my aunt. Are you lying to me? Should I believe you?”
“You have to remember that to make me happy you do not have to be very good. But you shouldn’t limp more than it is required of you. You should walk with good balance. I will be going away after some days because I belong to a different place, but you remember me and when you grow up and your hands are big, legs are big you will know I was not lying. Ok. Go now they are looking for you”. He patted my head and went away. I walked towards my mother and aunt with a big smile knowing they had lost control over me. I waited for her to say ‘Raja will not marry you’. But somehow that little talk had made me feel happy from inside. I slowly became less naughty and less mischievous. I would sit there and exchange smiles with my friend for some time. One day he told me his exams were over and he was going away and gave me few chocolates. That was the last I ever saw him. But I am still walking with less limp now. I just lift up my left leg a little to maintain balance. I don’t jump and land down anymore. I developed a special love for chocolates and if I am not buying books with the money I earn, then it is chocolates.

Being naughty...........

2009-11-09T03:05:00.000-08:00

“Your thoughts are so mature. But you look so small. Can you tell me how old are you?”

“I am 10 yrs old.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I am always sure of everything. As I told you I am not very silly. I hate the question ‘are you sure?’ don’t ever ask me that again”.

“O.K. I am sorry.”

“It is very rare that elder people say they are sorry. They always argue they are right even if they know they aren’t. It is always children who are wrong. They don’t even know they are lying when they are. They think they can get away by saying anything because children will not remember and will not understand. But I do remember and also understand. And I hate them for lying and cheating me.

There was this particular incident which taught me that I can’t even trust my mother. I don’t want anyone to assume that my mother is not a loving person. She is loving, caring and giving. At times she tries the easy way to get out of situations and gives me wrong information. Actually she does not want me to ask all questions which no one has asked so far.

This incident has made a great impact on my life. Would you like to hear it? Actually I want it to be secret forever. I don’t want anyone to know about it. I don’t think I should have done what I did. But somehow now I feel I can tell you about this.

I was very small then. It must be few yrs ago. I wasn’t in school. We were a family of five. Mother, father, my maternal aunt and we two sisters. There was a man about whom my aunt was obsessed of and wanted to marry. Usually she would talk about their marriage and how much she loved him etc. I used to be present when this family discussions were going on. There were questions from me as to what she wanted to do? What was marriage? so on. My family would be pestered to the end of their patience by me. They had to answer me so that I would shut my mouth. So in the end I had enough information to know that if some person finds someone who is pretty enough and good enough for them, then they want to be with them forever and to be with someone forever they have to marry them.

Time passed by and one day I saw a young man who looked very cute. I just knew that if there was ever going to be a person with someone I would like to live forever then he was the one, because he always used to smile at me and wink at me when he found I was about to play some prank on someone around me.

My parents would often take me to a quite place called Prashanti Nilayam in hope of getting rid of my disability. He was a student of Satya Sai College and the students were all supposed to be there in the ashram along with the followers of the holy man. The place was boring for a naughty child like me so I started playing pranks on people around me. They would always try to keep me quite with sshh shhhh shhhh………. But when they were engrossed in meditation I would start playing my pranks. I enjoyed troubling all those people who were sitting there so engrossed in meditation. I would pile up sand on the pallou of a lady meditating in front of me because when she would get up the dirt would get into my aunt and mummy’s eyes who were right behind her and they would close their eyes for sometime and then they would check out each others eyes and blow into them asking ‘are you feeling better now?’ By the time they got the dirt out I could just hide somewhere to scare them. That was the punishment I meted out to the people who made me sit quite for long hrs. That usually worked out. They would look here and there call out my name in whispers because they weren’t supposed to talk aloud and desperately decide that I have been lost and it was then I would come looking for them from my hiding place. I would get shouted at and then I would decide I will do it again to teach them a lesson. I loved telling them tales of how I got lost. Sometimes it was I went by with a lady with same color sari which my mother was wearing and then realized I was with wrong person when I saw her face. I would tell them that I was very very scared. Another time it was I heard someone calling my name and rushed to find out some strangers looking for some other child and so on. It was amusing they never realized I was lying.

Being there for the girl and letting her vent out...

2009-11-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

Hi. How are you?

Fine.

Can we be friends?

Are you afraid of strangers?

Are you afraid to talk to me?

Can we talk? I would like to talk to you for sometime.

You are grown up. What can we talk about? It will get boring.

Do you talk much with the children around you? You seem to be very quite sitting out here alone

I don’t talk much with the children because they talk about everything silly and also they don’t clearly say what they want to. They are so afraid to say many things. And with the elders it is that they think I will not understand what they are saying. I hate the silly talk they give. They are so foolish thinking they are fooling me. I just pretend to believe them. Whereas inside I know they are liars and they don’t mean what they say.

What makes you feel all the grown ups are liars?

They do lie a lot. Don’t they? Especially when they want to have their way with me. Initially they tried to instill fear in me by talking about the dark creatures and devils and God. But I am not a fool. I am not afraid of the ghosts. But I did play my part on them. I made them run scared by making my own tales of seeing ghosts. And also I take advantage of them by escaping doing chores I don’t like by saying I am scared to go there or to do that.

“I see you are happy now. You are smiling and that’s makes you look so cute.”

“I am not cute. My elder sister is cute and beautiful. At home everybody says that. And she too is so proud of her looks. Takes so much time to dress herself up. You know I have a disability in my right leg. I can’t be cute. Can I?”

“Hey come on dear. Who says so? May be your sister is cute but that doesn’t mean you are not. I know you have a disability but then that doesn’t mean you can’t be beautiful. You manage to walk and play with a foot which is not properly developed and that proves you have ability and not disability. Beauty is something which is not just having straight limbs and pretty features. It has lot more to it. You will know when you grow up. You are really a wonderful child and everybody has to accept it”.

“But they don’t. No is one happy with me. Why? My mother weeps on my birthdays, saying I am older by a year now and still I have not come free of the disability. I really don’t like that stupidity in my mother. How does she expect the disability in my foot to just go away without my parents doing anything about it? We do need doctor’s help to get cured isn’t it? But these two silly people have come to a holy man so that he will work a miracle and I will be cured. I am not sick to be cured. This is a disability involving my bones. But they say miracles do happen only one should have strong faith. I just hope by some miracle they will become sensible and give me proper treatment and help walk like everybody else. There are some children who tease me by limping like me. I feel so hurt inside then. But I never give them the pleasure of knowing they have hurt me. I can’t help it then when I hate my parents momentarily for being so stupid and not making my life better for me. I have just found out that people appreciate very much the kids who are good at their studies. Good marks mean appreciation. So now on my aim is to score good marks. I need to be appreciated. God could have been more generous with me but he hasn’t been. I have to work to be appreciated. Where as my sister or kid brother do not have to work hard at all. They are loved for the way they are. She for being cute and the first child and he for being a boy. All I get is sympathies which I hate so much. I don’t want to be looked down upon like a helpless little child. I am not so. I am in many ways more capable then other kids of my age. Still they cry over my fate. I feel guilty at times of making my parents sad and being a problem child to them. But I can’t help it. Can I? So I will now try to make them happy by scoring good marks in the coming exams. I know I can do it very easily with little effort because I can memorize and understand everything so quickly. I will try to be less naughty. I don’t want to throw tantrums to seek attention anymore. I will concentrate on books now on. They are very interesting and there are a lot of them around. I love the stories and incidents they tell me. I love books because they are same to everyone. They impart the same information to everyone who reads them without discrimination”.

Lifting the curtain...

2009-11-05T00:02:00.000-08:00

Like with everybody else the main problem with me was that the major decisions were made when I was gullible and open to wounds. When I had to make a beginning I lacked experience, courage and intelligence--- the knowledge we acquire through the lessons life teaches us. I was just a small girl very upset with almost everybody (especially God) because I felt they were being unfair to me. That girl of my past who is still upset is affecting my stance towards life today and also sort of forcing me to make the decisions to please others. It is time to find her talk to her and stop her from interfering in my present day affairs quickly for the time is running out. I will not have many more years left to find out what ‘I’ truly am. How God originally created me before all his other creations started meddling with me. So I start on journey to meet the skinny, dusky, very naughty, mischievous, disobedient and haughty little girl. The girl who when everybody her age were innocent was smart enough to see, observe, understand many things and explain it to her elder sister. People were often very stupid to know that she was picking up every word they said while appearing engrossed in the toys or books. So she knew way too many things of what was happening around and that wasn’t good for her. Let me find out how she feels. May be I will understand her better because I love little children. I love them without looking for the reasons to love them. I love them because they deserve it no matter how they are; smart, silly, tall, short, bookworms, lazy, girl, boy, naughty, disobedient, skinny, fat, mischievous……. No matter what label is attached to them, I love the kids. So I should be able to help her too. Where can she possibly be? I should find her in the school premises; the place she loved the most. Yes she is there… sitting at her favorite spot and wondering about something. Lost in the world of her own. Not knowing there are people moving about throwing amusing glances at her wondering what such a small girl could be thinking so deeply ……… I have to approach her with great caution so that I will not shock her out of her world but just slowly bring her to mine. So I walk up to her and slowly sit down beside her. After a while she realizes that someone is sitting beside her and watching her. She doesn’t seem to like the intrusion. So not to lose the opportunity of talking to her because she seems to be getting ready to walk away, I immediately give my best smile. Yeah. She hesitates and then smiles back. So I think of beginning the conversation.

The journey starts here

2009-11-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

How about trying to help out a very much confused and lonely little girl? I am trying to because I need her to feel better if I am to feel better now. Yes. It is me and I am trying to be there for myself in the past so that it would make my today bright. The darkness from the past has to be removed and this is one thing I planned to start in the year 2006. Counsel my childhood and try to help. It all began last year (2005) when I was reflecting back on the year that was about to end and then the journey continued and it went on and on until I decided I need to resolve things slowly. When I began writing it was to be kept private like a diary but then one day I shared a chapter with my friend Paula and that made it more relieving and so I am trying to share with more people now who I think will understand with out being judgmental and help the little girl out there……….. I hope you will find time to read this and help me out.
I have always been attracted to write and keep account of important happenings and that could be one reason why my memory is so intact. I am very sure of every word I recall at times. But as I am sharing this out now I do not intend to use names anymore…. I will share it in installments as I go along the journey so that you will not be bored

This is how I began one day…………….

At times I just wonder why I refuse myself the happiness in life. What is it that makes me deny myself so many things that I long for? At this point when I am pondering over this I am 39 yrs of age. Out of these years how many days or to say precisely how many hrs have I lived for myself? I just can’t understand what pushed me into doing what I did not appreciate. Going by the opinions of others and some self evaluation I don’t find myself to be stupid enough to give in just to satisfy other’s whims and to stroke their egos. Then what is it today I sit and regret every decision I have made? To find out I have to travel back ………. Into the past, and have to speak to the girl out there, who always felt ‘they don’t love me and how will they ever understand me if they do not like me in the first place?’ I somehow feel the decisions I make are influenced by her. I think now it is time that I discover myself.